A Constructive Way of Dealing with Anger
“Do you want to be right or happy? What do you think of this title?”, I asked. “Nonsense. I want both.” “No, that is not possible”, I said.
“It is either, or. Both together don’t work“.
“No, I don’t see it this way. Of course it works like that!”
And here we are in the middle of the subject. Do you know such situations? You have a wonderful idea or you read a wonderful sentence. Full of enthusiasm you tell it to your partner and you receive the answer: “Nonsense!” What happens to you in this moment?
Exactly! Your body reacts. Your organism contracts and becomes tight. We become defensive and get angry. And before we realize it we are in the middle of a fight. If we don’t pay attention we are like the two donkeys in the picture. Both pull in opposite directions and none of them gets what he or she needs or wants.
How do we get angry?
There is a saying: “Anger in the heart is a Should or Must in the head.” That’s true 100%! Whenever I am angry I have a Should or Must in my head. I go into resistance. The other one, I or the situation should be different and not the way it presents itself right now. My partner should change his opinion, his standpoint just the way I want it. When I am angry I want to be right and you are wrong, or the situation is wrong. Anger starts in the head. It is a natural result of unnatural thinking, Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg says. He is a clinical psychologist and the founder of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC).1
If I receive the answer – as in the opening dialogue: “Nonsense! No, I don’t see it that way at all. Of course it’s possible!” I am immediately in my head with all its interpretations, blame and evaluations. I see my vis-à- vis or the situation responsible for my anger. “Why does he always have to question everything? Can’t he leave things just the way they are? I know that I am right. After all I am teaching the subject. He constantly wants to be right, etc.” The more such thoughts arise, the bigger my annoyance gets.
The tragedy is that the more I get into the mode of being right, the more I loose energy and the real purpose. I see my vis-à-vis being responsible for my feelings. “If only he acted differently I would feel good!” Thus, I let go of my responsibility and my own power and start being dependent. I am forgetting, that what my vis-à- vis says or does is the trigger, but not the cause of my feelings.
“There is a space between stimulus and reaction. In this space we have the freedom and the power to choose our reaction.” Viktor E. Frankl
One of the purposes of Nonviolent Communication is to increase the space between freedom and power. Behind our thinking, feelings and actions, Nonviolent Communication always sees fulfilled or unfulfilled needs which want to be seen.
“At the heart of all anger there is always an unmet need” 2
Anger is a feeling which lights up like a red lamp in the car showing me that some of my needs are not being met and I am asked to listen closely. Anger always tells me: Stop! Slow down. Something that is important to me is not taken into consideration. It’s actually the request to get clarity on what it is about in order to act or talk while being connected to that energy.
In my workshops I ask the participants to tell me what annoys them or makes them furious. The answers are such as: Dishonesty, injustice, intolerance, unpunctuality, paternalism, bossiness and so on. It becomes clear very quickly that all these are needs which are important to us. What do I really want? Often it is exactly the opposite of what annoys me. (Dis-)Honesty, (in-)justice, (in-)tolerance, (un-)punctuality. And sometimes it needs some explanation work: Instead of bossiness it is perhaps about being accepted and taken seriously. It is not so much about wanting to be right. It is important to me that my word means something and my opinion is listened to.
Needs
When we talk about needs in Nonviolent Communication we then talk about something we need to makes us feel good. Rosenberg calls it the life enriching energy. When we think about what is important to us concerning ourselves, our relationships and our life in general then we might say health, harmony, tolerance, calmness, security and love, self determination, freedom and so on (see list of needs below).
We then find out that all these needs are universal. We all have them. It is important for everyone to have health, harmony, tolerance and so on – but maybe not all at the same time. All needs on the list are important for our life. In a deeper sense what we call need is actually the underlying energy, a certain quality of something that is meaningful to me, and it is physically and energetically felt. Needs are not thoughts, nor are feelings. Both are felt in the body on physical and energetic level.
When I realize in my opening dialogue how important it is for me that I am “taken serious” and that one “listens to me” then I feel a first calming in my system. The fascinating and astonishing aspect in this need- oriented approach is that each time when my needs are seen – meaning that I am really listened to and seen in what it is all about for me – my whole system relaxes. I then can let go of my resistance and my bossiness!
The bigger the anger – the deeper the pain
There is another saying considering anger: The bigger the anger – the deeper the pain. This is especially relevant when we make a mountain out of a molehill. It is a hint that our system perceives a certain behaviour pattern or a certain situation as dangerous and an area is addressed where our imprint, experiences or the way I like to call it our “backpack” subjects are triggered. A “backpack” subject is a painful experience in our biography which has not been healed yet. It shows itself a thought pattern or belief about ourselves, about others or about life in general (a so called core belief).
Who does not know this? Certain situations or people have the ability to push our buttons and our system reacts automatically with flight, fight or freeze. We don’t seem to have any other choice. These are the survival functions of the limbic systems or emotional brain. The emotional brain is unconscious, geared for survival and in close contact with the body. The rational thinking brain (neocortex) on the other hand is conscious, rational and open to the outside world. The emotional brain controls the breathing, the heart rhythm, the blood pressure, the appetite, the sleep, the libido, the release of hormones and the immune system. 3
From the brain research we know that the emotional brain has the ability to switch off the most developed area of the cognitive brain (“to go offline”) 4. On the other hand the cognitive brain can reduce the reactions caused by feelings and it keeps us from overreacting. “But the control of emotions by “thinking” is a double- edged issue: If you use it too often, one could lose the ability to hear the call for help of the emotional brain. Often one can see the consequences of the suppression of feelings in persons who as children have learned that feelings are not acceptable. A typical example for this is men who were always seriously told: “Boys don’t cry!” 5
Considering our anger reaction this means that anger is an expression of the limbic brain in the form of fight. The cognitive brain (mind) now tries to prevent danger by creating its own stories and projections (accusations, judgement and so on). Yet both “brains” basically try to protect my system from pain.
Only few have learnt that anger can be used as a constructive energy and to listen to its own message. Anger was suppressed and with this the life force, the needs which wanted to be expressed. The consequence is patterns of behaviour with our environment which not only hurt us but our vis-à-vis as well. – The bigger the anger is the deeper the pain.
By closely listening and opening myself I realize even deeper layers of feelings and thoughts which are not so obvious in my opening dialogue. Underlying my anger there is insecurity, tension, fear and helplessness. My immediate reaction to “Nonsense!” is to stop breathing and freeze. Then my mind starts to work. I switch unconsciously into the modus of judgements and bossiness and so on and I tell myself the story of: “I have no chance. What is important to me does not matter anyway.” This story I know very well. It is one of my thought companions through my entire life. The entry dialogue is only a trigger of an old pain which has not been healed yet. It is the story of a little girl who was convinced she was not important at all. Opening my heart to this awareness with compassion gives rise to mourning.
Depression is the reward for being good
If anger is suppressed over longer periods of time it can lead to depression. Rosenberg said: “Depression is the reward for being good 6. It is the same energy of resistance. But it is not uttered but suppressed. On the outside we are “dear and nice” and on the inside we are furious. The more anger we bottle up the bigger the chance is that we fall into verbal, emotional or physical violence. The cause is not the point. All forms of aggression or violence are tragic expressions of unfulfilled needs.7 We hope that through this we can change the situation or the world. The tragedy is that we can neither change the people nor the situation, and if then only motivated by fear of consequences. Moreover our vis-à-vis also goes into resistance and arguing starts and positions are hardened.
It is not my goal to ban anger out of my life. My system reacts due to long periods of conditioning and evolutionary development with a first impulse of contraction and tension if it feels any form of danger. You need many years of training to change this impulse. The space which Frankl mentions is the space where I can change my reaction to my first impulse. How do I react when I notice that I get angry? What do I do when I notice that I get tangled up into accusations and bossiness?
Summary
- Take your anger seriously. It indicates unfulfilled needs.
- Listen without judging yourself to your judging thoughts. They indicate unfulfilled needs.
- Transform your thoughts (what I don’t want) into needs (what I do want) and let them touch you.
- If you look at the starting point again and you still feel anger it means that there are further needs which have not been recognized yet. Take yourself serious and important. Your life force is blocked.
- When all needs are realized there is no more reason to get angry. Other feelings such as mourning or relief become apparent. The anger in this concrete situation is transformed.
- The solution finds you! As soon as the needs are clear, as soon as you know what you need, you know immediately what the next step will be, for example a further clearing talk.
Exercise to get in touch with the living energy of needs
Sit down comfortably and breathe twice to thrice in and out.
Choose a need which is important for you right now, for example to be understood.
Close your eyes and imagine a situation in your life when this need was completely fulfilled.
How does it feel? Which feelings appear? Which physical sensations do you notice? Do you expand? Warm? Does your body relax? How do you breathe? In your belly, or in your chest? Maybe inner colours appear? Maybe you taste how being understood tastes? Maybe smells appear.
Remain with this need for a few more moments which is alive in you exactly as it shows itself.
Now imagine that from this energy you ask your boss or your partner to listen to you to something which is important for you. What do you think will be the result of this talk?
References
1 Marshall B. Rosenberg: What your anger wants to tell you. Surprising Insights. To detect the hidden present of our anger. Junfermann 2007, page 45
2 Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life, Junfermann, 2009, page 166